sometimes
sometimes I can’t find the smile and the sadness seeps into my marrow as I watch the sheet of spring snow fall against a gray April sky and grieve what has become of my life with a stream of tears down my cheeks as I stare out the window.
sometimes I can’t bring myself to think of my favorite memory using all five of my senses feeling the wind on my face on a perfect august afternoon driving down I90 and towards big puffy clouds so white they glow against the blue Montana sky.
sometimes I can’t stand this life of struggle on the verge of vomiting and tears while my friends are on the verge of brunch and hikes and all the nos I have to say to concerts and meals and being with my kids as they grieve their first big death because one of them is sick and I can’t risk it.
sometimes the guitars hanging on my wall collecting dust remind me of all that I’ve lost and all that I won’t ever get back while life moves forward for everyone else sometimes mine feels like it started moving backward six years ago and the ending destination only an old woman would understand.
sometimes a lot of the time I can find the joy in the tiniest of bird chirps and prettiest of flowers but sometimes I’m tired of having to look for those things and that sometimes was last week.
so I stared out the window as the snow floated down seeing the white capped mountains in the distance and I just sobbed like a person who sometimes doesn’t want to try to find the rainbow through the rain.
and sometimes that’s the perfect answer to life’s most mysterious question. why?
(the rest of this story continues below this paywall <3)